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hey leo here for actualised dot-org and in this episode I'm gonna be talking about my incredible amazing to see B trip report experiencing physical death [Music] warning misusing psychedelics can be dangerous and even lethal the legality of these substances vary by country the information provided here is for educational purposes only you agree to take 100% responsibility for any physical mental or legal consequences which may result from applying this information you I want to narrate to you how I experienced physical death on to see B to C B is a recreational psychedelic it's often used by people at raves and parties but not in my case I had a very interesting experience that's quite atypical if you're a psycho knot and you're researching to see B because you want to know what a typical trip report is like well mine is not your typical trip report because I'm not your typical tripper I don't trip recreationally I trip existentially so you're not gonna maybe get what you were looking for here but on the other hand if you're a living being whatsoever then you will find something quite useful and amazing from this trip report because this really was something rather extraordinary what is to see B to C be is a class of psychedelics it's different from the tryptamines so it's not like DMT or mushrooms which are tryptamines this is a feta thiamine so it's similar to mescaline and I wanted to try this out because people talk about it as a party drug people liken it to ecstasy sort of has similarities to that if you read many of the trip reports and they say that basically what you get with 2cb is some nice colorful visuals you don't get a lot of mindfuck component which is the component where your mind goes very existential and it really screws with your whole concept of reality so 2cb is not supposed to have too much of that and it's supposed to be kind of like light and fun people take it at parties and they listen to music it makes music beautiful it makes visuals beautiful and that's your typical 2cb trip so what I decided to do is to try this thing out for myself as I do and I took ten milligrams of to see be plugged which is a rectal administration and you heard that right so I took it rectally so what that means you take a small needleless oral syringe little syringe that like you use for your dogs or for your cats and then you mix the powder to CB usually comes in a fine powder you mix it with some water very little amount of water is required so very small amount of substance and then you stick it up your butt and you administer it and there you go and now you're ready to trip now 2cb is more commonly administered orally it works orally you can just eat it wash it down with some water comes with pills sometimes I don't recommend taking those because God knows what's in them and also you can snort it now what I wanted to do is I wanted to try out to see B to see what it is like but also I wanted to test out this method of administration of plugging because it has a lot of promise the thing that I like about plugging is that you get the full dose if you administer if you administer it properly whereas with snorting you don't often get the full dose like with five Meo the dose will get snorted too deeply it'll go down your throat it won't get all the way ingested and so then that leads to questions about how big of a dose did you take so I like plugging because it's more accurate also it has a very fast come on and it removes problems of nausea with certain psychedelics so specifically with 2cb the problem is that if you eat it orally you can become nauseous and I wanted to avoid that it also avoids problems of sometimes if you have eaten a meal you can't take a psychedelic because you need to take it on an empty stomach so here you bypass all that by plugging it also interesting with the ffedith ila means both to CBN with mescaline if you plug this substance you only need to use about half the dose that means the dose is twice as powerful plugged as it is orally so that prolongs your doses by twice so that's pretty cost-effective so anyways I plug this thing it's not as disgusting or painful as it sounds it's actually very effortless and quite a pleasant method of administration and then I go and I lie on my couch and so I'm lying on the couch and waiting for this thing to come on and I know that it's gonna hit me pretty asked because I've read what happens when you plug things and so I'm expecting it to come on in five minutes or so and sure enough it does as I'm laying there I'm looking up at the ceiling I'm looking at my hands like this is what an introspective manner and I'm already starting to feel at the five minute mark that like something weird is going on very subtle but something weird is going on I'm almost starting to feel like my hands are not my own anymore a little bit of like dissociation but it's very mild and I'm lying there and I'm starting to feel some weirdness in my body and this is what they call the body load it starts to come on and what the body load is is just this sort of like I would describe it as an um almost anesthesia like feeling in the body where your sense of physical body starts to change in a weird way not necessarily unpleasant but it's just kind of weird and I would say that your body feels a little bit more heavy and numb than it normally would and also I noticed that as this body load is coming on which is becoming stronger and stronger as the trip continues I notice a little bit of nausea coming up as well which took me somewhat by surprise because I don't usually ever get nauseous on trips and because of the plugging method of administration so what I do is I go and I take a couple of ginger pills these are just over-the-counter ginger supplements it's just pure ginger root in a ground-up form as a pill you can take a gram of this when you're about to trip and I often do to reduce any potential nausea so I take that and that works pretty well for this trip here I don't really get any nauseous problems going forward then I lie back down on the couch and I'm looking up at the ceiling and I start to notice the visuals kicking in a little bit and as far as the visuals what I'm seeing is a couple of things first thing I'm noticing is my visual field starts to shift in these waves almost as though the whole thing is a mirage but it's subtle it's not like my whole visual field is getting torn apart it's just like these waves but the waves are enough that you start to question like what is this thing that we call a visual field at all where is it actually occurring in consciousness but then what is consciousness and then so that takes you down that whole rabbit hole so I get these waves and then at this point I roll on to the floor off of the couch and on the floor I have some blankets and some pillows spread out because I know that tripping on the floor works pretty well for me so I'm laying there on the floor and I'm looking up and I'm right above me is this giant round paper lantern so it's sort of like an oriental paper lantern except it doesn't really have any colorful designs on it it's just made out of like wire mesh and then paper wrapped all around it it's pretty big and circular it's about 1 meter in diameter like this and I'm laying there looking up at it and it's a lamp it has a light bulb inside and it's just shining soft yellow light through this paper so the lamp is there and I'm looking at that and the visuals now are coming on even stronger and so now what I'm noticing is I'm noticing colors some of the psychedelic colors that are quite common on various psychedelics like mushrooms and LSD I'm starting to notice some of those they're not very sharp though I would say that they're rather muted there are some purples and greens and yellows and oranges and they sort of like to come in and out and that's starting to come on and the other thing that I notice with visuals is little patterns so when I'm looking at the paper on my lantern I'm seeing little curly swirly organic shapes exactly like the kind that you might see on mushrooms and they're very intricate and kind of ornate and then these patterns can morph around and move and they're also hypnotic in that they suck in your attention because they're so beautiful in that the way that they're moving that you just go into the sort of trance looking at all these colors and waves and patterns so there I am on the floor experiencing this and everything is going well and just to back up for a second as far as 2cb when I started this trip I basically expected that this was going to be a test run so whenever I do a new psychedelic I always do a little test run with a small dose this is a relatively small dose nothing dramatic was really supposed to happen and on top of that this was supposed to be kind of like a fun light party psychedelic so I'm just kind of like enjoying the day and my mind is not worried about anything I'm not really expecting anything to happen and I'm just going on this trip but what starts to happen is that to my surprise I become quite introspective now looking and staring at this lamp which is starting to mesmerize me and my mind feels like it has become this hot gooey lava lamp with my thoughts just sort of bubbling away very slowly like hot molasses and I start to introspect about various existential questions that have been interesting me for many years like what is consciousness and what is the self what is life what is reality what is Brahman what is God and so as this lava lamp of my mind is bubbling away I'm going deeper and deeper into this introspection and at this point I surrender control of my mental focus and so I'm not any more in control of my mind my mind is guiding itself or maybe the psychedelic is taking my mind wherever it needs to go and I just trust it with that and so off we go there we go deeper and deeper and deeper and it's getting more and more and more profound and then I look at the clock and we're 50 minutes in now and my body now feels anesthetized it feels pretty numb not any kind of shocking or painful or uncomfortable manner I'm relatively comfortable but I am taking a bit by surprise at how much body load 2cb has compared to say mushrooms or five Meo even or al-lat but I don't really care I'm really entranced in this interest action so one of the things that my mind ultimately settles on is this facet of truth which I called groundlessness which is basically when you realize that everything you know in reality is a thing or an object you could also think of it as a surface right everything you know in reality especially in the visual field is a surface but then you ask yourself okay so if we have this surface here what's the grounding for this surface it's like well there's some other object inside of it or some other surface there behind it okay so then but then what's grounding that surface well it's other surface and what's grounding that surface well yet other surface so we have surfaces grounding surfaces but then you carry this chain of thinking through to its conclusion and you realize that it's a never-ending infinite spiral that never ends at anything out to infinity see this is what I call groundlessness this is like the structure of existence or the structure of God itself when I say God I use that word interchangeably with existence and reality not a man in the sky so I'm apprehending this groundlessness and it's almost as though an extra dimensions dimension opens up in my awareness and in this dimension is all this deep existential stuff all this wisdom all these answers and insights they just come effortlessly when I'm on this 2cb and the ground in this groundlessness i've experienced it before it's uh it's always profound though and it always blows my mind no matter how many times I experience it and I'm just going deeper and deeper I'm getting sucked and mesmerized by it because it's so beautiful and profound and the beauty of it now my mind focuses on the beauty of the growl assist and I'm just getting overwhelmed and lost and entranced in this beauty and I'm just getting mesmerized by it more and more and more and it just consumes me and at this point the beauty is becoming so beautiful that it's beyond emotions and beyond tears the beauty so deep that it's actually sobering you can't even cry it's so beautiful and I'm just going deeper and deeper this is just consuming me and at this point I'm thinking to myself with my last remaining kind of meta awareness or my sober mind I'm just thinking damn what is going this is supposed to be a light party psychedelic what the hell is this this is way too deep I didn't think it was going to go this deep but I love it right I love it cuz this is kind of like what I'm about so I love this and I just go deeper into it I surrender into it I don't put up any fight at all and then pretty soon I I'm at the point where my eyes are starting to close and I'm starting to kind of like get drawn into my body and my whole body is basically numb and now something very kind of horrifying occurs with me and I remember that exact moment where I realize that I just went past the point of no return and the boundary between real and unreal has broken down and the boundary between the physical and the non-physical has broken down and that if I keep going down this path this means I will physically die and yet at the same time it's so beautiful this groundlessness that I can't or I don't even want I think I could but I just don't want to I don't want to break out of it it's too beautiful I want to go into the beauty I want to explore this beauty and so I surrender even more fully to it I surrender all my commentary I surrender all symbolism because usually I'm commenting on stuff in the back of my mind sort of taking mental notes for insights that I want to keep for myself that I want to take out of the trip maybe that I want to share with you and so forth this had to be surrendered because the beauty was so overwhelming that you couldn't symbolize it it was beyond symbolization so I I let that Co I let the commentary go I shut the meta mind and at this point I really feel like I'm about to physically die now let me explain this a little bit because you might be wondering well what do you mean by this Leo are you actually physically dying as your body dying well here's the thing when the boundary between the physical and the non-physical is realized to be groundless there is no more difference between real and unreal and now what does your physical body mean see when we conventionally talk about the physical body we make this distinction that oh yeah there's a physical body then there's the mental aspects there's a psyche yada yada yada if you physically die that means like you get shot in the head and then of course your body dies and you die with it but see this entire paradigm doesn't work when you're really conscious because when you really conscious you see through this paradigm it's not true there is no such thing as a physical body what you identify with as a physical body isn't really physical at all it's just surfaces within consciousness these surfaces are ultimately groundless and when these distinctions break down your entire sense of reality breaks down and at this point when you experience physically dying you're physically dying that's how it felt to me and the reason that was it was just it was almost self-evident I think that if like you got shot let's say you got shot in the gut where you didn't die instantly but you had like maybe five minutes left until you bleed out completely and lose consciousness so if that happened to you you'd be lying there on the street let's say bleeding out and I think that both your body and your mind would know that you have suffered a fatal wound and that that this is the end there's no recovery from this and so at this point your physical body and your mind will start to make preparations your body will have a certain reaction certain chemicals and hormones will start to get released but then also your mind will start to make preparations you're going to start to look at your life you're going to start to get a really a clear picture of everything your life was about what you did why you did it any regrets you have you're facing your maker here in a sense so that's what started happening to me as I was lying there I didn't have like heart palpitations or anything physically negative happening with my body it was all rather Pleasant but I think that that's largely because I'm at the point where I've done enough contemplating I've taken enough trips and had some very powerful trips in the past where I'm sort of I'm sort of open to this stuff now whereas I think that a year ago I certainly would not have been and I would have certainly done something to break myself out of this trance I would have moved my body I would have gone outside I would have go eating some food but here I really just wanted to go as deep as I could and I wasn't struggling with it at all so I'm lying there in a second I'm expecting my physical death and then I just say okay let's do it I don't care anymore it's too beautiful I don't care if I live or die I don't care if something wrong happens to my body I'm just going for it and so I just went for it and as I was closing my eyes and about to die it occurred to me that if someone walked up to me right there in that room with a loaded gun and pointed at my head normally of course I would be afraid and I wouldn't want to die but here in this situation it would not matter it would make no difference at all there would be no distinction because I'm already going through the death process what more could what more could I go through that was already the ultimate that I could go through and so that's what happened it also occurred to me right there before I died that I have finally become so open-minded that it's going to kill me why am i dying because the beauty is overwhelming the beauty is going to kill me why else am i dying because my mind has become so metaphysically open we might say that it's going to kill me physically and I had a very clear sense that everything in my life from when I was a child and I was curious about the world - when I was in school and I was learning philosophy - when I went to college and I was studying epistemology and I was doing a lot of contemplation on my own and then all through now and then the last four years of my life with actualised org all this time spent contemplating and talking about all these topics that all of this I talk about open mindedness a lot right so that all of this was basically me trying to open my own mind more and more and more and more and more until ultimately it would kill me physically kill me and so here I was and I was gonna let it happen and I felt pretty good about it because I just had an intuitive sense from my very birth that open mindedness is the right way to go and that there is no bounds to open mindedness there's no such thing as too much and so here I prove that and I fully surrendered this was utter surrender like utter utter utter surrender and what I experienced as I closed my eyes is what I would call a complete ego death but you have to understand that when we say ego death and I've used that term before in the past that there are degrees of it and that's the deepest degree of it is your physical death so when we say ego death sometimes it's easy to think of it as like oh yeah so that's like a psychological sort of thing it's not really physical death but you have to understand from your point of view which is the only thing that matters is your point of view from your point of view when you're going through this process it feels like physical death that's how serious it feels it doesn't feel like oh yeah you know I'm alright physically but like it's just my mind is doing some weird stuff on some hallucinogens no no no we're way way way past that see all these distinctions between my mind and hallucinogens and physical reality in mental all these distinctions have gone out the window they don't exist the very fabric of reality the entire paradigm of reality as you conceive it is gone okay and that's when I close my eyes and I experience this thing and what I remember I'm thinking back to it right now very vividly is how I died how I disintegrated I literally disintegrated and it was as though all the little molecules and particles of my body which supernovae and just exploded out into infinity it was like I was an ice cube thrown into the ocean and it just melted and spread throughout the entire ocean I remember my sense of self going from my head into my heart and then when it was in my heart I felt like that was the truest sense of self and then that just exploded and my literally I felt like my entire physical existence and my life had come to an end and just completely exploded and flipped everything flipped inside out and my heart just melted and then I died out into reality and became one with the very fabric of reality and that moment of death like I remember that exact moment when it happened there was a very specific point at which I went supernova and it was like I have this metaphor in my mind of imagine a rubber basketball and then if you take a hook and you hook into that rubber basketball into its side and then you just yank it so fast and so hard that the entire thing flips inside-out almost by magic you just flip yank and yank and flip that whole thing inside out so that the inside now becomes the outside and the outside now becomes the inside and that's what happened in that moment I would supernova is that Leo was gone completely gone as though there was no such thing not mentally Leo not physically Leo and what was left was just the universe reality itself this was by far the most incredible and most positive and most joyful experience that you could possibly imagine that was the moment of death and that I had that epiphany is that death is the greatest thing that could happen to a living creature because it feels like after you die right after you die and in fact in that process of dying for a split second it's terrifying because you're dying and you have no idea what's coming next but then as you fully let go and the death occurs the next split-second you're so relieved it's like your entire life was this giant thousand pound weight wrapped around your shoulders just tons and tons of weight and then all of it was just lifted in a split second and you realize that you're untouchable and that you're immortal and then nothing could ever disturb you again it's complete peace just utter utter peace and joy and profundity the beauty of it is indescribable and so that was my experience and I basked in that for I don't know how long I lost track of time maybe five ten minutes probably not very long and then I started coming back I started to reiterate it my sort of sober meta mind did come back and it did sort of start to analyze a situation and it started to wonder what the [ __ ] is going on how is it possible there's no way that this is possible did I really just die how could that be and I started to just doubt my cell phone it's added me is this an illusion how is this possible there's no way and at the same time I'm laughing and I'm smiling because I realized that there's nothing external that's gonna come and validate this experience I mean I did experience my death that's what it felt like and at that point there are no other people there is no physical reality there's nothing to validate you it's not like oh yeah I need a scientist to come tell me that I died know when you're in that situation yourself you don't need a scientist you are the evidence of it you the death is so goddamn powerful that you cannot mistake it for anything you know when you're dead alright this is not something that's like oh yeah I'm not sure if I'm really dead no it's so [ __ ] overwhelming that it's like you know you're dead and then it's so goddamn incredible it's hard to believe you're dead and then it's hard to believe it from that perspective because it's just it's almost too obvious so anyways I'm laying there and trying to analyze all this stuff and to understand it a little bit more and just kind of basking in the freedom of it this is radical liberation here and then I remember feeling proud of the fact that I conquered death that's how it felt is that I literally conquered my physical death and that nothing mattered anymore and that nothing could touch me anymore and in fact I remember imagining myself getting a round of applause from the whole universe as though all the sentient beings and creatures and animals and humans that are out there we're all standing there and clapping for me applauding for me for having faced my death because this is the ultimate this is the ultimate thing you can do and then I felt kind of bad about this my meta mind my sober mind was saying well isn't it egotistical to be applauding myself for this but I remembered that story about the Buddha where they say that when the Buddha awoke the entire earth shook in recognition of his awakening and that's what it felt like here and it was a really a profound moment because the deeper thing that I realized there is that there's nobody but me now as the universe to applaud myself who else would applaud myself but me it's not Leo applauding himself it's the whole universe because that's what I am now because there is no more leo there at this point and so I just kind of accept the applause and I realize that this infinite beauty of God can only be known to God and to nobody else and this experience of death this beautiful death can only be known to you the one who was alive no scientist is gonna explain it to you you're gonna experience it when you experience it and that's the only way the universe can experience that is when that happens when you go from being finite to being infinite that's when you experience it so if you don't allow yourself to bask in that beauty and to congratulate yourself for that then it'll never happen ever in the universe because how else could it other than through you it has to happen through you you're the only thing that's there you are it you're the whole thing and it's you so even if there was somebody standing outside you like your friends or maybe your spouse or something and they wanted to congratulate you for what you just accomplished conquering death and they clapped for you that would also be you they would be you they're not separate from you because now you're them you're the whole thing so I accepted my applause and just bask to that and I was really just dumbfounded by what just occurred especially on this little measly psychedelic this little dose that I was just trying out this supposed to be just the tester dose blew my mind but overall it was all very positive I didn't have any fear resistance to it pretty much at all I look at the clock and it's two hours now and very quickly I've peaked and I've passed the peak so at this point the color for visuals they all subside my body still feels rather anesthetized and numb and I lie there for a while just basking in all this but then finally I summon the strength to get up on my knees and hands and I'm on the carpet there in the room on my knees and hands and the most extraordinary thing happens I look around I look at my hands as though I'm entering one of those blue avatars from James Cameron's Avatar you know when they first enter those creatures and they're kind of just like experiencing themselves being in this weird alien body that's what it feels like now to be in my body because what happened when I was talking about the basketball getting flipped inside out what I meant by that is that my entire inner world got annihilated as I'm standing here looking at my hands there's no more inner world of Leo there's no more Leo's life it's just like the hands are the universe looking at itself feeling itself and also their immaterial so I look at my hands and I realize that there's nothing physical or material about these hands these hands are just surfaces within a field of consciousness which is ultimately groundless and so I'm marveling at my hands and I look at the coffee table and then I take my my knuckles and I wrap it on the coffee table and I'm laughing and I'm just blown away because the substance of my hand is identical to the substance of the coffee table is identical to the substance in between the hand and the coffee table which is just air it's all consciousness it's all just one substance consciousness so I sit there looking around the room like this and just amazed at how my perspective of life got flipped completely inside out and upside down and I'm getting that sense of being headless like I tried to be conscious of my head just looking like this but I can't see my head and therefore my head literally does not exist and it's like I'm the universe with no head but with just hands looking around the room I actually am the room not just looking around the room it's like I'm the inside of that basketball being itself and then from this point on the rest of my trip was rather unremarkable this was only two hours in but the trip still kept going for a good six hours after this it's just that there was no fancy visuals and no really deep stuff because I already went through the deepest thing I could possibly go through and so the rest of the trip I spend walking outside a little bit on the grass looking at people and dogs as they're being walked I'm walking around kind of like a numbed out zombie like a man who just came back from the dead and I just had this kind of stare as I'm walking and just kind of like looking at everything as though for the first time in my life and just contemplating the significance of what I experienced and then I come back inside and I met and I just ponder some more and let the effects of the 2cb fizzle out it took a long time actually I could still feel lingering effects especially in my head this kind of buzz for almost a full 12 hours from the beginning of my trip and then I went to bed and that's it so what are the lessons here for you the lessons if you're trippin but also the lessons if you're doing consciousness work or you're interested in non-duality well firstly about party drugs this notion of party drugs is a it's a really silly notion they can be just as deep as anything else they can be just as deep as five Meo DMT because well one of things I realized is that it's not the substance or even the size of the dose that really determines the depth of your trip it's your preparation it's your intent its how serious you are it's how existential are you willing to get it's how much of a foundation you've laid it's how much you've contemplated in self inquired and I've been doing this especially over the last month a lot starting with my solo retreat which I did about a month ago so that built up a lot of mindfulness in me made some shifts but then also I've been cleaning up my diet lately I've been eating very healthy just a plant-based diet so I think that contributed I was also doing neurofeedback brain training I was meditating a lot contemplating a lot so all these things now synergize plus all the prior trips that I took and I took some very deep and powerful trips in the past with five at me oh all of that is now synergizing and is what made this party drug this little party drug so powerful another important insight that I got for tripping is that I realized that trips are not just independent episodes I used to think of trips more like sitcom episodes where each episode ends basically where it started and it's a self-contained thing and now what I'm seeing is I'm seeing an arc a trajectory of my trips which is really the hero's journey it's a progression it's a spiritual progression towards the ultimate truth and what that involves if I think back to my earliest trips a year ago what that involves is that it first starts with you just getting familiar with how psychedelics affect your body in your visual field but then it goes deeper you start to get into your inner demons you start to get into your deepest fears you start to get into very deep insights for the first time you see some of these insights they shock you you can't even make sense of them so you need to experience them again and again to see them more up-close for what they really are to fully understand them so I noticed that there's this arc I specifically see that arc because there were a couple of key trips that were quite significant which have led me to this particular trip that I had now where I was able to experience this physical death this ultimate surrender this surrender was much much deeper than any surrenders that I've done in the past even on five Meo hmm and I think that's because I had to build up to it I had to practice and surrender ever deeper on all these different trips and I had to face fears so one of the most important fears I had to face was the fear of insanity which I faced on mushrooms that was my toughest trip because if I didn't face that fear of insanity there was no way that I could do this physical death surrender here in this trip and also of course I had to come in contact with absolute infinity which I did on my break through five mio trip that was very important because if I hadn't had that as a foundation for this trip then I wouldn't be able to go as deeply into the beauty of it and let it overwhelm me because I would be seeing it only for the first time the first time you see it is so shocking that you're not really able to go deeply into it so let that be a lesson to you if you're using psychedelics for spiritual work expect that there's going to be an arc expect that you're going to need to work through stuff and that as you keep doing it you're gonna go deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and that smaller and smaller doses of substances will be tired to take you very deep another lesson I learned is that enlightenment equals physical death when you see some enlightened yogi or master sitting up there on his little cushion lecturing to you and a satsang or something and you look in his eyes and he has that that's sparkling look in his eyes that enlightened look you know what that is what I realized that's the look of someone who's dead inside enlightenment is a lot more radical than you think when you first get on this path you think that it's like oh yeah my sense of self is gonna change like maybe I'm gonna experience some psychological death no you're gonna experience physical death you're gonna be [ __ ] dead did you really expect that you would become immortal without dying immortality is what dawns when you physically die now of course to the outside observer you're gonna have a body just like that enlightened master has a body to you it looks like he's just pretty normal right but inside he's [ __ ] dead there's no him inside he has become the whole universe that's what's so magical and mind-blowing about enlightenment it is your physical death because the boundary between the physical and non-physical will disappear for you it'll have no meaning for you whatsoever another insight that I had which was very important for me personally is that physical death is the best thing that could ever possibly happen to you I used to not look forward to my death even though I would contemplate it in fact I would think of my death is like man my death is coming soon I better get a bunch of [ __ ] done before I die cuz that's gonna be the end and while that's still true I still want to get a bunch of [ __ ] done before I die because it will be the end of doing [ __ ] but but my attitude towards death has changed completely it's just such a positive thing in my mind now that I'm almost looking forward to it it's gonna be it's gonna be a firework show it's incredible another lesson that I learned is that there are degrees of surrender many degrees of surrender and what I thought was me fully surrendering in the past was not the case there are a lot of hidden latent fears that you have that keep you from fully surrendering and you gotta face those so you got to purify those in order to surrender more and more deeply and as you do you'll experience deeper and deeper degrees of ego death and that's the final lesson that I learned is that there are many degrees of ego death I've used the term ego death in the past to describe various experiences that I've had and I think that those were accurate and generally true but still those mostly felt like psychological ego deaths whereas this one felt more physical more total and that was that was a level of depth that conceptually I knew that that was probably what enlightenment was but also you know it's just so different when you actually go through it yourself and you experience actual death like I mean it feels like the rock bottom maybe there's even deeper levels I don't know what I'll experience in the future but this sure felt really goddamn deep and that's it those are my lessons am i enlightened no a few hours after my peak my ego-mind basically came back as was expected as you should expect with psychedelics when you're at your peak it feels like you're enlightened forever and that it there's no way you can ever forget this or it'll never go away there's no way your old ego mind will come back but usually I find that it does not to say that that's always gonna be the case I mean if you trip a lot like this I'm sure that at some point it might stick and become permanent I don't know that remains to be proven now some people criticize psychedelics for this and say well Leo so all this is just delusion hallucinations because what good are your psychedelics if all they do is they give you a little window to enlightenment a couple our window what good is that well um try it for yourself and see psychedelics give you a window yeah that's all they do is they open the portal the Gateway for a few hours and that's enough to create some huge shifts in you that doesn't mean you stop doing your work you continue doing your work even more after that now you really know why you're going for it and you really know what you're going for and you realize the full ramifications of what you're going for it's very sobering and it grows you a lot huge growth comes from that if you're meditating you will also have experiences in your meditation career where you have these openings these openings could last for a few hours for a few days but then they closed back down that's your consciousness kind of expanding contracting spanning contracting that's completely normal it would be silly to go to a meditation retreat to have a window of opening for a few hours then it closes and then you say to have all well yeah so meditation is all pointless this retreat was all stupid just because the thing opened for a little bit and then it closed no that's how it goes that's how it's supposed to be it would be way too good to be true if you just took this pill and then it opened you forever that would be way too easy you got a lot of inner [ __ ] to work through before that can happen see it's not enough to just see the truth the truth is so massive and so [ __ ] deep and profound and has so many facets and components to it that you need to keep looking at it over and over and over again before it really penetrates through into your mind and into your actions and behaviors sometimes for some people very rarely one in a billion times you could have a sort of instant enlightenment but that's very rare very rare even with meditation as well self inquiry usually it's this process of opening up closing back down struggling to open up again closing back down it's the kind of back-and-forth struggle until finally you do that enough times you purify yourself enough that something finally breaks and your mind cracks open forever that's the ultimate goal but you know you can't count on that to happen in one split second without any effort so I experienced huge growth here my whole relationship to death has completely changed and I'm I'm really stoked about it that's my whole trip I actually wrote this trip up in a lot of detail of many paragraphs on my computer as a trip report because there's a lot of details that I thought would be difficult to communicate here in a video format I still don't know if I'm satisfied with that trip report I might publish it if I do there will be a link down below you can click if you want to read all the gory details and if not don't worry about it because I actually did manage to capture a lot of pretty much everything important in this in this video so you're not missing much here alright that's it I'm out of here please click the like button for me and then come check out actualize that org my website sign up to the newsletter see the forum check out various resources that I have for you some exclusive content there that book lists life purpose course the blog and stick with me for more amazing content in the future you